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Internal Debate

I'm currently in the middle of one of the biggest internal debates my head, heart, and soul have ever had. I pray about it each night, but so far I do not seem to be getting any answers, or I am not seeing them if they are there. Sometimes I find myself just sitting, asking, "why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why can't things just be okay for a while? Do I not deserve for things to be okay? Is anything easy? Why do I try so hard to do the right thing and make people happy when it seems most of the time no one notices at all (...or maybe they do notice, just not the ones I want to notice)?"

Then I sit back and ask just how selfish can I be. I have a mom and a dad who still very much love each other, and are healthy. I have a sister who has a wonderful family and the three most beautiful girls I have ever seen. That is more than some people could ever ask for, yet here I am asking, longing, for more, when my best friend no longer has a mother or one of his sisters. I feel like I am playing with fire by even saying I am not entirely happy with everything in my life right now. I guess I am being honest and selfish at the same time. The thing is, it is just up to me to make anything better, and I have learned too many times that unfortunately I should not rely on others to help.

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