Skip to main content

Internal Debate

I'm currently in the middle of one of the biggest internal debates my head, heart, and soul have ever had. I pray about it each night, but so far I do not seem to be getting any answers, or I am not seeing them if they are there. Sometimes I find myself just sitting, asking, "why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why can't things just be okay for a while? Do I not deserve for things to be okay? Is anything easy? Why do I try so hard to do the right thing and make people happy when it seems most of the time no one notices at all (...or maybe they do notice, just not the ones I want to notice)?"

Then I sit back and ask just how selfish can I be. I have a mom and a dad who still very much love each other, and are healthy. I have a sister who has a wonderful family and the three most beautiful girls I have ever seen. That is more than some people could ever ask for, yet here I am asking, longing, for more, when my best friend no longer has a mother or one of his sisters. I feel like I am playing with fire by even saying I am not entirely happy with everything in my life right now. I guess I am being honest and selfish at the same time. The thing is, it is just up to me to make anything better, and I have learned too many times that unfortunately I should not rely on others to help.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ironman in verse

This is what I wrote and secretly put under everyone's doors tonight: The big day is almost here! Long it will be, but have no fear. You have put in miles and miles And will finish amidst numerous smiles. The hard work is over and done. Now is the time for nothing but fun. May your spirits be high throughout the day, And may nothing come along to stand in your way. Ironman is as much about the journey as the destination, And you will be rewarded for all of your determination. Hand-in-hand we will all jump in, Eagerly treading water as we wait to begin. At 7am the cannon will blast But be sure not to go out too fast. The cool water will run over your face, As you are now committed to the race. The Rural Bridge will seem so far away But keep those negative thoughts at bay. Once you turn around and head west To the Mill Ave. Bridge you go, trying your best. 2.4 miles will be over before you know it, And you will start to realize your thoughts of Iron are truly legit. On to the bike, f...
21 comments
Read more

We did it!

21 comments
Read more

Still here. Still infertile.

Sigh.  Here we are again.  We knew all along we would be able to start the process for baby #2 when Sloane was nine months old.  I had said we did not necessarily want kids that close together, but knew just because we started then did not mean we would get pregnant then.  If I had only known how true that is becoming.  Silly us had started having visions of three kids.  The only way we can have three kids is to have things go smoothly, not lose embryos, and not lose time.  Well, so far we have lost an embryo and a lot of time in the quest for our next baby. I breezed through prep for our transfer in early May.  The stress load was so much less than before because I thought we had it figured out.  We had Sloane as a great distraction.  My lining was better than it has ever been before - by far.  Then, the day after Mother's Day, I found out it did not work.  And I was immediately thrown back into the depths of infertility hell....
Post a Comment
Read more