My mind has been racing since yesterday afternoon (well, let's get real - it has been racing for almost two years when it comes to building our family) when I watched a video an old childhood friend sent me. It was of him sharing his and his wife's story of trying to build their family with his church congregation several months ago. He said he had been following our story and hesitated to send the video but finally felt that he should share. He just said "fast forward to 1:28 in the video." I had no idea what I was about to watch - I did not expect it to be him speaking, and certainly did not expect it to be sharing their story of a years-long struggle for a baby. Tears streamed down my face (common theme these days) as I listened. It is funny, I think his is the first story I have heard in a while of a friend going through this. I have plenty of internet and new friends I have met in the "worst club with the best members" and I want nothing more for each and every one of them to have success, but this one hit differently. I think it gave me a little hint, or reminder of what those around us are feeling now. When I think of him, and I now know they are struggling, my heart and eyes are momentarily taken away from our own struggles and placed on theirs. I deeply want this for him and his wife. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for so many babies that now exist here on earth. There has not been one family I prayed for who was not ultimately able to create their family. I find comfort there, yet I would take away all the pain it took to get there if I ever could - especially now that I know how terrible it can be.
I have loosely held several thoughts about how God fits into all of this over the past year. I have read several others' opinions and sided with them. I will share two here now, and then touch back on what my friend had to say about their story. The first I read was a girl (on instagram - that is where the underground infertility world exists, in case anyone was wondering) who said "do not tell me this is God's plan. This is not a God thing, this is a medical condition." She went on to say she does not believe God thinks they are not ready to be parents yet so is making them wait. Just think on that one for a bit...how many people get pregnant wwwwwaaaaaayyyyyyy before they are ready and then how many wait and wait and wait to have their day. I, too, believe God is not doing this to us. I do not believe God thinks we need to wait for whatever reason. I do not believe God has chosen to inflict this suffering on us. If I believed that, I would also believe God decided Danny's dad needed to die during Danny's first week at college, leaving Danny, his mom, and two younger sisters behind. On the flip side, I would also believe God has chosen others to have a family before us because they are more #blessed than we are. #inserteyerollhere.
A few years ago, our bible study read Adam Hamilton's "Half Truths." It is an excellent look at many of the things we may "think" we know to be true, yet are half true at best. The book covers the following:
- Everything happens for a reason
- God helps those who help themselves
- God won't give you more than you can handle
- God said it, I believe it, that settles it
- Love the sinner, hate the sin
Suffering is not God's desire for us, but it occurs in the process of life. Suffering is not given to teach us something, but through it we may learn. Suffering is not given to punish us, but sometimes it is the consequence of our sin or poor judgement. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. God does not depend on human suffering to achieve his purposes, but sometimes through suffering his purposes are achieved, Suffering can either destroy us, or it can add meaning to our life.
I will touch on this more in a bit - as it fits very well with what the friend had to say as he shared his story. Adam Hamilton summarizes his chapter by saying:
Between the micromaniging God who causes everything to happen and the absentee landlord God who is not involved in our lives is a picture of God who grants human beings freedom and allows them to take risks. It is a picture of God who does not cause tragedy but uses it, of God who can directly and supernaturally intervene but usually works indirectly through people. It is a picture of God who, through the power of Jesus' resurrection, gives us assurance that in the end "death has been swallowed up by a victory" (1 Corinthians 15:54).
Thankfully, few have said directly me "well, God has a plan" or "everything happens in God's time" regarding our struggle. If you have not said that yet, please don't ever do it. To me, or possibly anyone else. It can be comforting to the deliverer, but not necessarily to the recipient. If you are short on words of comfort, a simple "I'm praying for you" can go so far.
Hamilton's chapter on God not giving us more than we can handle can be summarized (at least to me), far more succinctly than the first chapter. God never promised us he we would not suffer, but he did promise to always be there. I am certain our faith is the only reason Danny and I are still on this journey. If left to our own devices, well, I do not want to even think where we would be at this point. Each time we have received bad news, we bounce back pretty darn fast. I am either going to spontaneously combust out of the blue one day, or we will continue, calm and steady, down this path, knowing we are not alone.
The next idea that I have noodled on (also read on instagram) is the notion of whether or not we will consider our future baby(ies) (a)miracle(s). One girl, Alex, became spontaneously pregnant after five miscarriages. Clearly she had been able to get pregnant in the past, but it had been quite a while since it had happened. She had had failed IVF rounds during that time, and had one embryo. They had decided to use a surrogate for that one embryo. She was eight weeks along when it was time to transfer the embryo the surrogate. They went ahead with the transfer as she had no reason to think her own pregnancy would last since the previous five had failed. Turns out, at this point, she is now 30 weeks pregnant with her surrogate eight weeks behind. Both healthy pregnancies. Alex said one day that she does not believe either baby is a miracle. She said she is choosing to not call them that. She said we, as in everyone else, are absolutely allowed to consider them a miracle, but she will not. She said, and I 100% agree, that anyone who gets pregnant without help should consider it a huge freakin' miracle. In her case, she feels it is not a miracle because they have worked so hard, for so long to get these healthy pregnancies. When she became pregnant this last time, she was with a doctor who was willing to do everything possible to support and maintain the pregnancy. She was on all sorts of medicine from day one to keep it going. She believes (and I do too) that that is why she is pregnant - not because a miracle has occurred. It was a refreshing, thought-provoking view. I really appreciate her saying "y'all can call it a miracle, I have no problem at all with that" while she chose otherwise. I told Danny after I heard her say all of this that I may feel that way too. No one can say we will not have worked tirelessly for whatever our family ultimately comes to be. Calling it a miracle could possibly overlook the struggle, hard work, and even prayer that went into it.
Yet, just yesterday I had another spin on this. Childhood friend, let's call him "John" (I'm not sure if he would want this shared or not, but John is a safe alias), told his congregation that God had given him a vision at some point during their journey, that one day he would be standing exactly where he was that day, introducing their miracle to the congregation. He even knew what he would be wearing (which he is saving for the day he gets to come back and have that celebration). I heard that and thought "yeah - miracle, of course." Then I thought back to the thought above. I do not know where I will fully land if, when we ever to have a child in our arms, on whether or not I would consider him or her a miracle. But I do know, at least, that I would consider it a miracle that we made it to where we did. That we did not give up. John said he and his wife have learned to worship in the wait. Learned to appreciate the wait as it is a time of building, of preparation, of testing, and strengthening. I hear this. I feel this. I feel what John is saying strongly ties to the passage on suffering above and choose to believe meaning has been added to our lives - even if it isn’t 100% clear what that meaning is
John ended his story by sharing Isiah 40:31 "but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." I am not sure there are many better verses to describe walking through infertility with God. Somehow, we wake up most mornings and are not weary. Yes, I complain about being tired as shit, but I am not weary. We are not done. Our heads are up and we are marching onward.
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