What are you supposed to do when the people closest to you think less and less of you the more they get to know you? The people who know you, but don't know you well, say you are great, that you do good things for people, etc, etc. But those closest to you don't think the same. They see more and more of an ugly person the more they get to know you. They are less and less impressed and then eventually decide you aren't worth their time and energy. What are you supposed to do? When it happens over and over again? Crawl in a hole where no one else is, that way there is no one to let down or disappoint? Lose a heart so you don't care what people think? Just accept that you are never going to be good enough? I just don't know.
I do know this is a disturbuing trend in my life and I hate it. I feel disgusted at the thought that deep down I really am not a good person. I know God will not give me more than I can handle, and I pray about all of this each night. Sometimes it is just really hard to keep going and trying to be a good person when those closest see right through it.
I do know this is a disturbuing trend in my life and I hate it. I feel disgusted at the thought that deep down I really am not a good person. I know God will not give me more than I can handle, and I pray about all of this each night. Sometimes it is just really hard to keep going and trying to be a good person when those closest see right through it.
Comments
I'm having a much harder time lately though finding lessons in any of this, other than that I am failing miserably at trying to be a good person and trying to be someone who deserves to be loved.
I have known you since, correct me if I am wrong, you were in Jr. High. That's a long time. I have watched you grow from a plucky little girl into a beautiful, smart, talented and motivated young woman.
Every person alive has a deep inner selfish part, a sometimes ugly part. I know that I certianly do and I suspect that this close person that you are referring to in your post does as well. But someone wise once told me that the best we can hope for is to just "act as if." You make a picture in your mind of the person you want to be and then you do your best to "act as if" you were that person. The fact that you continually try to honestly assess your life performance and are continuously looking for improvement speaks volumes.
Bottom line -- you are an inspiration. I hope that my little Feburary baby girl grows up to have half of the character that I so admire in you.
Hopefully one day there will be no people I have upset but that may be a pipe dream. I can just keep on trying my best though and maybe one day I will get it right.