Someone told me that the other day and it was kind of a revelation to me.
I have a nasty little secret that isn't always so secret: I don't like myself a good portion of the time, or just kind of like myself, but not necessarily enough to give me the respect I deserve. If someone compliments me, I smile and say "thank you" but usually write it off in my head, thinking something along the lines of "no, I'm really not that way, or I don't really do this or that," or "they don't really know me, so don't know I'm not that great."
On the other hand, if someone says something negative or critical to me, I automatically assume it is set in stone. Even if the same person were to both compliment me one day and criticize the next, I only hear the bad; I only internalize the bad.
I know this sounds all Debbie Downer-like, but I am a task-oriented problem solver. Identifying a problem is actually somewhat of a relief. I've known forever that my self esteem is pretty crappy, but have also done a decent job of hiding that to most people. Its odd - on paper, or if you were to ask me outright, I would have to admit I've done some pretty awesome things and that all-in-all I'm a pretty good person. However, I don't always actually believe that.
Take Ironman Florida for example. I did awesome. I did better than I ever thought imaginable. It truly was a race of a lifetime for me. I raised over $15,000 in 6 weeks to give the Beaumont chapter of MADD the largest donation they have ever received, and helped a family see some purpose or direction in their grief for the loss of their sweet Kristi. Yet not even a week later I was feeling crappy about myself and that I could do no good for anyone. A few negative things that went on completely erased any feeling of worth I had related to the race and fundraising. That just is not right.
Why do I let myself feel and think this way? I have a few ideas and am going to continue to look into it a bit more. I do know that growing up I never felt good enough - at school, at ballet, at attracting boys, etc. No matter how well I did, I could have always done better and was focused on that little extra bit I didn't do instead of the whole lot that I did do. My mom, dad, and sister all graduated #4 in their high school class. I did not. I was not even in the top 10. So and so did this on the SAT/ACT, I did that minus however many points. No matter how hard I worked at ballet, I was never going to be any good, but it took me a long while to accept that. I remember my first grade teacher told my sister who in turn told my mom that I was negative. I have no idea what that actual conversation was like or about, I just remember mom saying something to me after school one day and me feeling awful about it. Did she say I had a permanent negative attitude, or just that I had had a bad day, or what? I have no idea and doubt anyone remembers - I just remember vividly that as the first of many times I'd been called out as being negative.
The middle school and high school boys also created a whole host of problems of their own. In middle school, the boys called the girls in my grade the "wolf gang" and barked at us, because we were a bunch of dogs. We'd often ask them to dance at dances and they would say no. We wrapped one of their houses one night and left a 2 foot dog bone on the front doorstep. Nice. This stuff is pretty comical when I think and write about it, but at the same time, I think it really affected me more than I ever thought.
Fast forward a few years to high school. One day sophomore year I was leaning around the back of a chair and had on a sleeveless shirt and my arm looked huge - someone said "oh my gosh -you arms are HUGE!" and so began calling me "Arms" and "Pipes." Over the next year or so that turned into "Ox" and then the best of all, "Big Ox." Junior year I'd walk into first period English and the boys would have drawn a huge ox on the blackboard. My friend Angie taught me how to draw them hanging from one of "my" horns or as a pile of ox poo, so it was still somewhat comical, but laughing was really my only option. Had I reacted otherwise, what would have happened? One day after I found out I had to have knee surgery, I walked in and the ox on the board was missing a back leg. I'm laughing again as I type this, but at the same time, gees. They would tell me just before lunch period that I had to go graze in the soccer field for lunch instead of going to the cafeteria like everyone else. The few times they did bring me to tears just fueled their fire even more. They mooed at me in the hallways between classes and I just laughed because I did not know what else to do. Looking back, I was a damn good sport about it, but it just ate me alive.
So how do I get rid of the negative thoughts? How do I actually listen to and believe the good things people have to say about me? I'm not 100% sure, but I'm going to work on it. I think it is safe to say my life would be much easier and probably a lot more enjoyable if I did. Maybe I would not overreact at times if I had the confidence not to. Maybe I would not take things quite so personally. Perhaps, I could even, gasp, walk away without care if someone had something other than nice to say to me. I would not worry so much about the future, or possibly not have such a huge fear of being alone. Hmm - this is starting to sound like a mix of a Saturday Night Live sketch and a self-help book. Maybe I'm getting carried away on the good stuff, but I'm frequently accused of being too negative. I've said it before - telling a negative person they are too negative will help absolutely nothing. However, I'm trying to be positive so just go with it.
I'm a pretty cool chick - if I had to just hang out with me for any period of time, it really wouldn't be that bad. I just need to find and get to know this cool chick.
So, in the end, God didn't make me not good enough - I know that. Other things have made me feel not good enough, but those are just things, and don't hold a flame to what God has to say about it all. So y'all can go ahead and thank Him for making me such an awesome chick and I'll thank Him for making you such an awesome you!
I have a nasty little secret that isn't always so secret: I don't like myself a good portion of the time, or just kind of like myself, but not necessarily enough to give me the respect I deserve. If someone compliments me, I smile and say "thank you" but usually write it off in my head, thinking something along the lines of "no, I'm really not that way, or I don't really do this or that," or "they don't really know me, so don't know I'm not that great."
On the other hand, if someone says something negative or critical to me, I automatically assume it is set in stone. Even if the same person were to both compliment me one day and criticize the next, I only hear the bad; I only internalize the bad.
I know this sounds all Debbie Downer-like, but I am a task-oriented problem solver. Identifying a problem is actually somewhat of a relief. I've known forever that my self esteem is pretty crappy, but have also done a decent job of hiding that to most people. Its odd - on paper, or if you were to ask me outright, I would have to admit I've done some pretty awesome things and that all-in-all I'm a pretty good person. However, I don't always actually believe that.
Take Ironman Florida for example. I did awesome. I did better than I ever thought imaginable. It truly was a race of a lifetime for me. I raised over $15,000 in 6 weeks to give the Beaumont chapter of MADD the largest donation they have ever received, and helped a family see some purpose or direction in their grief for the loss of their sweet Kristi. Yet not even a week later I was feeling crappy about myself and that I could do no good for anyone. A few negative things that went on completely erased any feeling of worth I had related to the race and fundraising. That just is not right.
Why do I let myself feel and think this way? I have a few ideas and am going to continue to look into it a bit more. I do know that growing up I never felt good enough - at school, at ballet, at attracting boys, etc. No matter how well I did, I could have always done better and was focused on that little extra bit I didn't do instead of the whole lot that I did do. My mom, dad, and sister all graduated #4 in their high school class. I did not. I was not even in the top 10. So and so did this on the SAT/ACT, I did that minus however many points. No matter how hard I worked at ballet, I was never going to be any good, but it took me a long while to accept that. I remember my first grade teacher told my sister who in turn told my mom that I was negative. I have no idea what that actual conversation was like or about, I just remember mom saying something to me after school one day and me feeling awful about it. Did she say I had a permanent negative attitude, or just that I had had a bad day, or what? I have no idea and doubt anyone remembers - I just remember vividly that as the first of many times I'd been called out as being negative.
The middle school and high school boys also created a whole host of problems of their own. In middle school, the boys called the girls in my grade the "wolf gang" and barked at us, because we were a bunch of dogs. We'd often ask them to dance at dances and they would say no. We wrapped one of their houses one night and left a 2 foot dog bone on the front doorstep. Nice. This stuff is pretty comical when I think and write about it, but at the same time, I think it really affected me more than I ever thought.
Fast forward a few years to high school. One day sophomore year I was leaning around the back of a chair and had on a sleeveless shirt and my arm looked huge - someone said "oh my gosh -you arms are HUGE!" and so began calling me "Arms" and "Pipes." Over the next year or so that turned into "Ox" and then the best of all, "Big Ox." Junior year I'd walk into first period English and the boys would have drawn a huge ox on the blackboard. My friend Angie taught me how to draw them hanging from one of "my" horns or as a pile of ox poo, so it was still somewhat comical, but laughing was really my only option. Had I reacted otherwise, what would have happened? One day after I found out I had to have knee surgery, I walked in and the ox on the board was missing a back leg. I'm laughing again as I type this, but at the same time, gees. They would tell me just before lunch period that I had to go graze in the soccer field for lunch instead of going to the cafeteria like everyone else. The few times they did bring me to tears just fueled their fire even more. They mooed at me in the hallways between classes and I just laughed because I did not know what else to do. Looking back, I was a damn good sport about it, but it just ate me alive.
So how do I get rid of the negative thoughts? How do I actually listen to and believe the good things people have to say about me? I'm not 100% sure, but I'm going to work on it. I think it is safe to say my life would be much easier and probably a lot more enjoyable if I did. Maybe I would not overreact at times if I had the confidence not to. Maybe I would not take things quite so personally. Perhaps, I could even, gasp, walk away without care if someone had something other than nice to say to me. I would not worry so much about the future, or possibly not have such a huge fear of being alone. Hmm - this is starting to sound like a mix of a Saturday Night Live sketch and a self-help book. Maybe I'm getting carried away on the good stuff, but I'm frequently accused of being too negative. I've said it before - telling a negative person they are too negative will help absolutely nothing. However, I'm trying to be positive so just go with it.
I'm a pretty cool chick - if I had to just hang out with me for any period of time, it really wouldn't be that bad. I just need to find and get to know this cool chick.
So, in the end, God didn't make me not good enough - I know that. Other things have made me feel not good enough, but those are just things, and don't hold a flame to what God has to say about it all. So y'all can go ahead and thank Him for making me such an awesome chick and I'll thank Him for making you such an awesome you!
Comments
Kids can be such little jerks! Uggh! I suppose it's generally so they can compensate for whatever insecurities they may have.. but still. Big Ox? Come on now! Geez!
hugs and all that stuff!
KC, this really hit home for me too. I was picked on and called names and it just made me a very shy insecure person.
but it's good to read your post and remember that God made us great. and no words or meanies can change that!
oh, and I think you are awesome!! Love you!!